also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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