The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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