Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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