Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
