Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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