Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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