I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
