Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
