The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
