but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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