I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
