I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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