at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
