Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
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