Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
