Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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