There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
