I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
