people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
