I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Randomize
