I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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