She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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