Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
