i just sent this text using only my big toe
It was confusing and full of hummus
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
