My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
