Moan for me like Helen Keller
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
