Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
