I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
