dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
