where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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