every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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