The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Another day, another engagement, another cat
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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