seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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