remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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