the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
