i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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