I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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