My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
