I wish my penis had an off switch
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
