best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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