We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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