DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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