don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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