he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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