i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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