If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
