omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
