The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
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