Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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