this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
